Title: How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen
Author: Joanna Faber and Julie King
Pages: 385
Finished: August 8, 2015
Summary: Dinner's over and you ask your kid to put their dish in the dishwasher. They say no. You push back. Next thing you know, kid is upstairs screaming in their room during a time out and you're taking deep breaths to calm yourself all over a stupid plate. Why couldn't your kid just put the plate in the dishwasher. It would have taken less energy than that test of wills.
Joanna Faber and Julie King daddress how we can talk to our kids in ways that will acknowledge their feelings and encourage them to cooperate rather than frustrate.
Joanna Faber and Julie King daddress how we can talk to our kids in ways that will acknowledge their feelings and encourage them to cooperate rather than frustrate.
Thoughts: While we ran a parenting book discussion with this book a few years ago, I did not partake either as a staff member or a patron. But boy do I wish I had. Pandemic and new baby has made things hard for Kid 1. Suddenly we were noticing behavior problems up the wazoo. Battles of wills over plates or washing her hands or putting her shoes by the door. Some of it absolutely was an anxiety response, and we reached out to a family counselor for help there. But some of it was just good, old-fashioned boundary pushing. So I picked up this book.
Within minutes of reading the first chapter, I started putting Faber's and King's ideas into practice. And our fights decreased by about 50%. Each successive chapter, I added in the new techniques and we acheived a mostly peaceful household.
That's not to say we still don't have boundary pushing. And there's still a lot of anxiety, but we can deal with that. And without the help of the counselor. Unfortunately, she was not a good fit for our child and I get to make the phone call Monday to stop seeing her all together.
But what was it about the book that worked so well? Honestly? I liked how the authors kept remidning us how would we feel if adults talked to us the way we talk to our kids. We'd hate it. We may do as we're told because we're adults, but we'd be resentful, angry, and likely looking for new jobs.
The first chapter is all about acknowledging feelings. One of those things that makes so much sense when we hear it, but that most people don't put into practice. Kid falls on the sidewalk. Parent: Oh... you're okay. It's not that bad. See? You're not even bleeding. Of course the kid's going to feel even more hurt. Since doing this, we've been able to get her down from most of her temper tantrums.
The authors go on to discuss ways to encourage cooperation. For example, changing the order into a reminder. So instead of, "Put your plate in the dishwasher," we can just go, "Dishes!" It works! Every. Single. Time. Or describe what we see. "Oh... I see a plate sitting on the table." Or be playful. "Kid! You plate's begging for a bath. Do you hear?" *make plate voice* "Please Kid. Please let me have a bath. I need to be clean for tomorrow."
Within minutes of reading the first chapter, I started putting Faber's and King's ideas into practice. And our fights decreased by about 50%. Each successive chapter, I added in the new techniques and we acheived a mostly peaceful household.
That's not to say we still don't have boundary pushing. And there's still a lot of anxiety, but we can deal with that. And without the help of the counselor. Unfortunately, she was not a good fit for our child and I get to make the phone call Monday to stop seeing her all together.
But what was it about the book that worked so well? Honestly? I liked how the authors kept remidning us how would we feel if adults talked to us the way we talk to our kids. We'd hate it. We may do as we're told because we're adults, but we'd be resentful, angry, and likely looking for new jobs.
The first chapter is all about acknowledging feelings. One of those things that makes so much sense when we hear it, but that most people don't put into practice. Kid falls on the sidewalk. Parent: Oh... you're okay. It's not that bad. See? You're not even bleeding. Of course the kid's going to feel even more hurt. Since doing this, we've been able to get her down from most of her temper tantrums.
The authors go on to discuss ways to encourage cooperation. For example, changing the order into a reminder. So instead of, "Put your plate in the dishwasher," we can just go, "Dishes!" It works! Every. Single. Time. Or describe what we see. "Oh... I see a plate sitting on the table." Or be playful. "Kid! You plate's begging for a bath. Do you hear?" *make plate voice* "Please Kid. Please let me have a bath. I need to be clean for tomorrow."
Each chapter has the tools, sotires from a parent group the women worked with, cartoons to show the steps, and then an outline of hte tools.
The book can be repetitive. Many reviewers mention that it could be an article instead, but I feel people don't read and retain articles the way they do books. I liked the cartoons not for me, but for people who may be more visual learners. The stories were fantastic because we could see real world examples.
Many reviewers complained that the author doesn't believe in punishment. I can't speak to that as I agree with the authors on this one. When we send our kid to her room, the situation is made 10,000 times worse and the behavior continues the next day. Upping the ante just gets worse. Even before reading the book, I was trying to come up with different things to punishments because I was questioning the why behind what we were doing and whether it was actually useful. The solutions presented here were really helpful.
Also, the authors do believe in limits and boundaries. Just the way they handle the breaking of the boundary is less draconian.
I can't find the exact quote, so I'll paraphrase. The bit that stuck out to me the most was when one of the parents in the group complained about how exhausting all of this was and either Joanna or Julie replied with something like, "Sure, but I'm going to be exhausted at the end of the day either way. At least this way I'm exhausted and happy."
And that's ultimately it. I'd been going to bed at night resolving to figure out a better way tomorrow because I was feeling like a horrible mother. Crabby and yelling all the time. Stretched thin. Stressed. Exhausted from all these battles of will. Since reading these techniques, I'm still tired, but I don't feel so worn out. Everyone is happier and the anxiety levels in the house have dropped. Amazing how that works.
The book can be repetitive. Many reviewers mention that it could be an article instead, but I feel people don't read and retain articles the way they do books. I liked the cartoons not for me, but for people who may be more visual learners. The stories were fantastic because we could see real world examples.
Many reviewers complained that the author doesn't believe in punishment. I can't speak to that as I agree with the authors on this one. When we send our kid to her room, the situation is made 10,000 times worse and the behavior continues the next day. Upping the ante just gets worse. Even before reading the book, I was trying to come up with different things to punishments because I was questioning the why behind what we were doing and whether it was actually useful. The solutions presented here were really helpful.
Also, the authors do believe in limits and boundaries. Just the way they handle the breaking of the boundary is less draconian.
I can't find the exact quote, so I'll paraphrase. The bit that stuck out to me the most was when one of the parents in the group complained about how exhausting all of this was and either Joanna or Julie replied with something like, "Sure, but I'm going to be exhausted at the end of the day either way. At least this way I'm exhausted and happy."
And that's ultimately it. I'd been going to bed at night resolving to figure out a better way tomorrow because I was feeling like a horrible mother. Crabby and yelling all the time. Stretched thin. Stressed. Exhausted from all these battles of will. Since reading these techniques, I'm still tired, but I don't feel so worn out. Everyone is happier and the anxiety levels in the house have dropped. Amazing how that works.
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